Selected Exerpts from the diary of Obi-Wan Kenobi
by Holly-Wan
Summary: like the title says . humourous (I hope) excerpts from the diary of Obi-Wan
1. Entry 1

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Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or any of the characters etc.. They are all George's toys. I just like to play with them. Thank you Master Paulie-Gon for making me finally get busy on this. And to you and Calthea and the other Robinsons' for helping me with some of the material and jokes. This is strictly a humor piece. I have more entries, and as I get them I will post them, unless everybody hates this.   
  
There is a Padme diary and and Anakin diary both of wich are hysterical. I figured it was time for a funny look at AOTC from Obi's point of view. I love him, and I love the way Ewan plays him, but he also just screams make fun of me, must be all the one liners. And to warn you, I am an Anakin fan. I love Obi Wan, but I am definatly not in the Obi is god and can do no wrong club. Nothing in this is meant to be taken seriously. It is all meant as lighthearted fun.   
  
**_Entry 1_**   
  
Today we were summoned to return to Coruscant. Senator Amadala's life is being threatned again. (When is her life ever not under a threat? ). We were assigned to stand guard. Even though Anakin and the Senator haven't seen each other in ten years , I have the strangest feeling that Captain Typho and I could have been dancing around the room in rainbow colored tutus and they wouldn't have noticed. Why do I have a bad feeling about this?   
  
Later just when Anakin and I had another good argument about to start, an assasin droid sent a couple of creepy crawlers in to take care of the Senator. Of course Anakin was in there in a flash, by the time I got there, they had already been dismembered, so I did the only logical thing. I jumped out of a two hundred story window and hung on to a 2 pound probe droid for my life. Anakin took his own sweet time, following after me. He said it was because he needed to find the right speeder, but I think he had other things on his mind. I mean a gonzo color? What the heck do Yoda's friends have to do with this?   
  
Then to top it off I get to race thru traffic at the hands of a kid who's greatest joy seems to be in torturing his master. I swear one of these days that padawan of mine is going to kill me. Its a good thing the assasin went into a nightclub. After flying around with Anakin, I need a drink. I haven't felt that woozy since that one time I made the mistake of trying one of Master Qui-Gon's special brownies and misplaced an entire afternoon. I still get weird looks from Jocasta Nu, whenever I need to use one of the research rooms. One of these days I'm going to have to ask her about that. On second thought, maybe I don't want to know how I woke up in the stacks between meditation techniques and mind tricks.   



	2. Entry 2

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Entry 2 

Today the council decided to send me off to play detective while my apprentice is sent to Naboo with the senator to play bodyguard. Yes, the guy who's had a crush on her for ten years is going to guard her body, alone with no chaperones. Am I the only one who thinks that just might be a bad idea? Of course I am. Its not like they are going to break with tradition and start listening to poor Obi Wan. Hey I"ve only been training the kid for ten years, what do I know?

My first stop was to take the dart to an old friend of mine. (Note to self, grabbing a poison dart from a dead person's neck is probably not the wisest thing you have ever done). What can I say about Dex? He's a great guy, but I don't think I'll be ordering the green plate special anytime soon. I've never been a big fan of any food that tries to bite back. At least I did get the name of a planet to start with. 

I tried looking up Kamino in the library, but I got nowhere. I think Madame Jocasta still hasn't gotten over that incident with Master Qui-Gon's brownies. If you ask me, she really needs to loosen the tension on that bun. Since I got no answers from the library I decided to go visit Master Yoda. Its been at least a week since anybody humiliated me, so I figured I was due. 

As usual, I wasn't disappointed. One puzzle, close to a thousand years of Jedi training, and not a clue between us. Give the younglings 5 minutes and of course they manage to make us all look like idiots. At least I got my public humiliation out of the way for this week. 


	3. Entry 3

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Entry 3

Made it to Kamino today. Interesting planet to say the least. If this is a good day, I'd hate to see a bad one. Within 2 minutes I was soaked to the bone. Wet Jedi robes are bad enough, but this hair is getting to be too much. What was I thinking, I should have known better than to buy hair tonic from a Wookie named Fuzzy. Now I not only look like one, but I smell like one too. Who's idea was it to use Bantha hair for Jedi robes anyway? 

I attempted to do a mental force check on Anakin. Here I am fighting for my life in the rain against the man in the iron mask, and his "mini-me" protégé. And what is my apprentice doing? He's off in a meadow somewhere playing splendor in the grass with the Senator. I don't think that is the kind of body guarding the Council had in mind. And the worst part is for some weird reason I keep hearing these annoying lyrics in my head. "The hiiiillllss are aaaaliiiive with the SOUND of muuuuussssiiiiicc…." The pain, the horrible pain, will something please stop this horrible pain. 

While touring the clone factory I over heard some Kaminoans talking. It was the strangest conversation I have heard in a long time. What is a cornfield? And why in the heck would anybody want to make circles in one. Wherever this Earth place is, it must be one strange world. If only I could figure out why it is that whenever I look at these Kaminoans I get the impression they would love to probe me. And I don't think information is what they are looking for. The quicker I get out of here, the better. 

After I finally managed to get away from Kamino, no thanks to bucket head and bucket head junior, I started tailing them. They may be great fighters, but I think Jango banged his head a little to hard on that door. As soon as we get away from the planet they head straight into an asteroid field. I guess he likes getting banged around. Unless I was imagining things I could have sworn that one asteroid looked like a shaak, and another one looked like a shoe. Or maybe I just spent too much time in the rain, and it's the fever talking. 

It didn't' take them long to make out my tail, so of course they decided to blow up half the field in the process. They are thorough I will give them that. It's a good thing I live in a galaxy where sound travels thru the vacuum of outer space. Luckily I was able to hide on one of the larger ones in the middle of the chaos, so they would think I was blown up. Luckily the lump on Jango's head made him easy to fool, but that kid of his could be trouble in a few years. I wonder what Anakin is up to? Probably busy redefining the term bodyguard, if my guess is correct. 


	4. Entry 4

**_Entry 4_**

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**__**I managed to tail the Fetts to Geonosis. Since I had nothing else on the day's agenda I decided to continue my investigation in the factory, that we conviently set down next to. Just when I thought I was totally confused, things got really interesting. I managed to find my way into a meeting of the mindless. Count Dooku (he of the name that sounds like something you wipe off your boots), a presence that always makes me want to hide my neck for some strange reason; Wat Tambor of the techno-union army, a guy that sounds like he has a short in his wiring; our lovely friends of the Trade Federation, who appear to share one brain between them; and an unamed female with more rings than a jewlery store clearance sale. Just what in the San Hill is going on here? 

After hearing enough information to go back and give the Council a good shaking up, I returned to my ship to send off a message, but I couldn't get through. Just as well I know the reaction I would have gotten anyway.. 

Someday I'll get up the urge to ask Master Windu why he always refers to his mutha when he is upset. And why it makes Master Yoda turn such a lovely shade of blue. I didn't know he could do that. It was fun to watch though. It was a rather intersting shade. 

I've only seen that shade one other time. That was when I found Anakin hiding in the closet, and whatever he was up to, I don't ever want to know. He mentioned something about working on his lightsaber, but I don't know why one would want to hide in the closet to work on lightsaber repairs. I promised him I wouldnt ask him any questions about that, as long as he keep his promise to never share that holo of me singing a duet with that red haired girl at the Outlander. If my life was any less ordinary, I'd swear it was all part of somebody's warped imagination. 

I wasn't able to reach Coruscant, so I tried to reach Anakin. Imagine my surprise to find out he was no where to be found on Naboo. It didn't take long to track him down. Tatooine of all places. I have no idea what he is doing there, unless he decided to go check on his mom. I have a very bad feeling about this. I hope he is all right. I am sure the Senator is with him, but for some reason, that doesn't make me feel a whole lot better. Sometimes I wonder just who is in charge of who with those two. 

It figures, Anakin isn't even near the transmitter. I left a message with R2, but before I could even finish I was rather rudely interupted. Have these Geonosians no respect for anything? Apparently not. Hopefully Anakin gets the message and is able to retransmit it. I'd hate to think I came all this way for nothing. 


	5. Entry 5

**Author Notes:** I want to thank my beta-fish Darth Breezy and Calthea for all their help with the jokes and some of the wording. I promise to feed you and never put your bowls too close to the sun. (sorry bad inside joke). To those who left messages asking about the brownies, well Qui-Gon, has a bit of a hippie thing going on, and well once upon a time it was practice in certain circles to make brownies with an extra added um ingredient. If I say anymore I could get myself in trouble, but I think you get the idea. It all started with a speculation on what exactly Yoda's gimmer stick was and grew from there. So now I present to you.. 

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**_Entry 5_**

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**__**Meeting Count Dooku again, was quite the experience. One I hope never to repeat . No wonder Master Qui-Gon started hitting the brownies. After only 15 minutes with him I was ready for a good stiff drink myself, anything to make the spinning stop. What exactly IS his problem? And how does he keep his hair that perfect? 

He was less than thrilled with my suggestions of what he could do with himself. I don't think it is physically possible at his age anyway. For revenge they decided to make me the day's entertainment. I was tied up to a big post in the middle of a giant arena surrounded by a crowd of bug people who think public executions are a great form of entertainment. I thought my week couldn't get any worse, but I guess I was wrong. Who should be in the box with Dooku, but my old friend Buckethead. He even brought junior to the show. With a father like Jango, poor Boba is gonna be one nasty adult. The Trade Federation flunkies are there too. Since Nute Gunray is the one speaking, I guess his underling must have custody of the brain this week. 

I wasn't sure if Anakin had recieved my message, but just when I thought all was lost things got even worse. He got the message all right, then they decided to come help me. How wonderful of him. I appreciate the thought, but this isn't exactly helping the situation. I swear Anakin and trouble are drawn to each other like metal to a magnet. If I didnt' know better I'd think he liked the thrill of it all. To be honest I guess he isnt' the only one, After all it wasn't Anakin who jumped out of a 200 story window hanging on to a 2 pound probe droid for dear life. 

I think I've been in the sun too long, I could have sworn I got a glimpse of Anakin and the Senator is a position most unbecoming the soon to be killed. She was perfectly dressed for the occasion as usual. The woman must have suitcases the size of a troop transport. Is there any occasion for which she doesn't have the perfect outfit and matching hairdo? 

There wasn't anytime to play "what have you been up to?" with Anakin. No sooner were we all nicely chained up when three extremely cheesed off looking nightmares were set loose. Let the games begin! . I hated to disapoint the audience after they came all this way, but getting killed was definately not on my to do list. Too bad somebody forgot to tell the beasts. I'm a Jedi not a damn gladiator! 

Why am I not surprised that the giant crustacean from hell decided I'd made a great appetizer? Within five minutes of being released it was staring me down with a "where's the butter?" look in its eyes. A little too much like a super-sized version of one of Dex's green plate specials, if you ask me. . I've had one seriously bad week, the last thing I wanted to do was be an hors d'oeuvre at an all you can eat crab feed. Trying to kill that thing however proved to be quite the challange. I thought I had it stabbed once, but all I managed to do was make it even hungrier. Does this thing even register pain? Enough of this poodoo! A few well placed slices and twirls of my lightsaber soon reduced the blasted thing into crab cakes. Now that felt bloody damn good! 

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	6. Entry 6

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Entry 6 

Unfortunately the giant crustacean that mistook me for his lunch, was the least of my problems in the Arena of Doom. Mr. Ackley was simply the one problem I had the most satisfaction solving. Well almost. 

I could almost see the sweat pouring down the Neimoidans when Master Windu walked in to the viewing box and slid his purple lightsaber under Jango's chin. Even Buckethead looked worried, everyone knows you don't' mess with Mace, especially when he is in a particularly bad mood. Judging by the look on Master Windu's face heads were about to roll. In Jango's case that turned out literally. 

Not surprisingly Dooku and the Wonder Twins, were less than pleased to see him. They should know by now that Master Windu never makes a threat he can't back up. He brought almost the entire Jedi order with him. How's that for backup. I haven't seen that many angry Jedi fully armed and ready for battle since Anakin set off the fire alarm at 4 am during a thunderstorm. It's a good thing for Anakin's sake that Jedi don't hold grudges. 

The Neimoidans responded in their usual cowardly fashion. With what else? Another Droid army. Are there even any Neimoidans beside Nute and his flunkies? All we ever see are droids. I guess it is easier to run and hide if you don't have to do your own fighting. 200 Jedi vs. 500 battledroids. Sounds fair to me. 

That Geonosian sun is stronger than it looks. I could've sworn there was a battle droid with the head of a protocol droid, and a protocol droid with the head of a battle droid. Maybe it was just a flashback to that brownie adventure in the library. 

And just when I started wondering where Master Yoda was in all this, guess who shows up, commanding his own transport. And look he brought company. Send in the clones! Things ought to get really interesting now. 


	7. Entry 7

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Entry 7

Mace popped the lid off of Buckethead, so he won't be causing us anymore problems. It was a lucky shot for Mace. Apparently Mandalorian rocket packs don't come with a guarantee against being trampled by an angry Reek. I almost feel sorry for the guy, first he gets crunched under the hooves of an angry stampeding monster, then he finds himself topped off by the same guy who Maced the Reek. Guess those rocket packs aren't all they are cracked up to be. Too bad he can't get his money back. 

Once it became clear things were not going to turn out the way Dooku and the Wonder Twins had planned, Dooku did what any self respecting villain does in that situation, he ran like frightened nerf. Anakin, the Senator and myself hopped the first transport away from the battlefield. After getting off a few good shots, we saw Dooku heading for the hanger. We would have had him, but the Senator missed the order to hang on, and went flying out. Apparently she took Anakin with her. His body stayed on board, but the rest of him was someplace else.

I'm surprised our poor clone pilot didn't get whiplash, from our argument. Set it down, keep going, set it down, keep it going. Any other pilot would have turned around and told up to make up our collective minds before he does something neither of us will like. By some quirk of fate, and the Senator's name, I managed by the skin of my teeth to get Anakin to see the light. We made it to the hangar where Dooku was. If I thought we were going to put and end to this then and there, I was having delusions of grandeur.

Of course Anakin as usual didn't listen. Why would he want to start that now? I might have a heart attack if that happened and then where would we be? Not that Anakin would let a little thing like that stop him. I'm just the Master it's not like that gives me any authority or anything. A rather agile octogenarian was thus able to cremate a thirty-year-old Master and his twenty-year-old Padawan, the supposed Chosen One. Though maybe if Anakin were a little less Chosen and a little more One with the rest of us, maybe things could have been different. Though I must admit Anakin did fight rather impressively. He would have won too, if Dooku hadn't so rudely disarmed him. I guess fair fighting is not a character trait Sith possess. I'll never tell him, but I was quite impressed, by his fighting.

Who knew an eighty-year-old man could move so well? (I think he maybe starting to get a bit senile though, I could have sworn I heard him mumbling something about a ring having great power) I wonder if I will be that spry when I am that old? I wonder if my hair will ever be that perfect? I wonder when someone will actually break with tradition and start listening to me. 

Anakin was rather shaken of course. Who can blame him? The last time I saw him sweat that much, was when he had that recurring nightmare about a group of older women who kept chasing after him, screaming about pool boys and demanding drinks. He never told me everything that happened in that dream, but even now all I have to do is whisper the name Mrs. Robinson and he gets this very strange look of terror on his face. 

All was not lost however. Right as Dooku was ready to tuck tail and run again, Master Yoda showed up. In all my years as a Jedi, I've never seen the little green guy that angry. I guess having your padawan become a Sith Lord would tend to make one rather cranky. I can't imagine what that must be like. Being forced to fight your own student, must be more painful than hot lava on bare skin.

Master Yoda hasn't moved that quickly since the morning one of the younglings accidentally put hot sauce in his breakfast. I actually feel sorry for the poor kid. On the bright side, I don't think the grout in the Council washroom has ever looked whiter. I don't blame Yoda for being peeved. Hot sauce definitely did not agree with him. Even Master Windu wouldn't stand too close to him for quite sometime after that one. I guess hot sauce and Yoda (what ever he is) don't mix. (Does anyone in the known galaxy have any idea what Yoda is, or Yaddle for that matter? Talk about your unsolved mysteries.) 

Dooku still managed to get away, by once again violating that fair fighting clause. When it became clear that he wasn't going to out fight Yoda, he distracted him by trying to flatten Anakin and me. 

Once it was over, who shows up but the Senator. Apparently falling out of a fast moving transport isn't as detrimental to one's heath as some of us had thought. She didn't even seem to notice that Anakin wasn't the only one in the hangar. Apparenly lip therapy is also the the new standard treatment for amputations. If those two stood any closer together they would have been one person. I am starting to seriously consider the possiblity that they are a little more than just friends. I had the distinct impression that she would prefer it if the two of them were anywhere but here? I know he is only being brave because she is here. The way Anakin is acting you would think it was only a flesh wound. At least they finally noticed the rest of us. For a brief minute I thought I was going to need a crowbar to separate them.

By the way, not that anybody noticed or asked.(Why start now?), but I am okay. I was not hurt that bad, it only really hurts when I laugh. Good thing I don't do that very often. I could really go for a brownie and a drink right about now though. Good thing I put a stash on my ship before I left on this little adventure. I'm just glad Anakin's never found them. Then again, maybe a little mellowing might do the boy some good. 


	8. Entry 8

**_Entry 8_**

After the battle ended, we had to swing back and check out the mess. Of course the first thing, we had to do was pry the Senator away from Anakin. Exactly who is guarding whom with those two? Since Anakin was a one armed man, we had to get him to the medical droids as soon as possible.   
  
I wasn't doing too badly, though there was some searing pain. The Senator also needed medical attention, though the scratches on her back weren't quite as severe as the injuries to her clothing. I'll have to give Anakin extra credit for keeping his mind on the battle.   
  
This prevented us from returning to the scene of the battle. Instead we headed straight back to Coruscant. Once we got back, it was medical treatment for all. It didn't take much to get me back in the game, Anakin however took a little more work. The Senator wouldn't even let them touch her till we knew that Anakin was going to be okay. I've seen conjoined twins who were less attached. I don't think she left his side once. Whenever I look at her, I know where the heart is. It's with Anakin. They are clearly more than friends, but the Jedi code forbids any other kind of relationship.   
  
Once Anakin was back up and around again, I tried talking to him about this. He says they are only very good friends, but I am seriously having suspicions that he may be hiding things from me.   
  
Now Golden Boy has a golden hand. It's actually very life-like in spite of its color. I think he should adjust to it rather well. On the plus side it absorbs blaster bolts like an energy eater. We found that out the hard way, when one of the droid technicians accidentally crossed a couple of wires and caused R2-D2 to go a little wild. That little extra could come in handy someday.   
  
Anakin wants to escort the Senator home, to Naboo. I know after all he has been through he could use a little vacation. Heck I could use a vacation. I'm so tired right now I could use about 20 years to recover. Some place quiet where I'm wouldn't be disturbed. Some place in the middle of nowhere. The desert might be nice. A little time alone to meditate and relax, I could come back feeling like a whole new man.   
  
He seems some how happier around the Senator. I can't explain it. But I have noticed he doesn't seem to be taking nearly as many cold showers as he used to. After his last visit with her, he came back with the weirdest smile. I don't want to know what they did. Whenever Anakin starts acting like he has a stick lodged in his "exhaust port" I just send him to her place. When he comes back he's got lifters in his boots.   
  
If I didn't know better I would think they had something going on. But both of them are denying that. They both say they know that they can't have any kind of romantic relationship. Why doesn't that make me feel any better?   
  
I'll let them have a little time together before the coming war calls us off to battle in parts unknown. Anakin can say good-bye to her and we can go back to finishing his training. I mean it's just an escort home, its not like they are planning to run off and get married.   



	9. Entry 9

**Entry 9 **

Sometimes I have to wonder about life.  Is this reality real? With everything that is going on lately, I'm starting to feel more like a character in some holo-vid, written by someone with a very warped sense of imagination.  Or maybe I've just been thinking too much lately.  It's a good thing the Jedi Order has a great mental health plan. I have a feeling I may need to use it soon. 

Anakin is still on Naboo with the Senator.  He was supposed to just escort her home and say his good-byes.  With his new replacement arm we have a lot of catch up retraining to do. Given the amount of matched luggage she seems to take with her everywhere she goes, they are probably still unpacking the ship.  Wouldn't want her to discover there was an occasion she didn't pack the perfect outfit for, now would we?

Fortunately we have the clone army.  Amazing how just as we need an army to help us, said army is suddenly readily available and fully trained. Talk about your strange coincidences!  I have the strangest feeling that there is something going on here.  It all seems just a tad bit too convenient if you ask me, not that anyone ever does.  If I didn't know it was impossible I would say somebody planned it this way. But how could that be?   Of course I could be wrong, its not like that's never happened before. 

They are handy though.  It saves us the trouble of recruiting and training.  That would take forever.  Somehow I doubt a poster stating, "Uncle Palpatine wants you", is going to be bringing in a large number of volunteers.  Besides, since they are clones, they can all wear the same size, saving money on the uniform budget.  And they don't have that "I know more than you" and "constant questioning of their superior" problem that a non-clone might have. Not that I am thinking of any one in particular mind you, its just nice to give an order to someone and not have it questioned a hundred ways from sunset.  I could almost get used to that.  I love Anakin like a son, he's a great kid in many ways, but sometimes dealing with him is enough to instantly dismantle my Jedi profanity inhibitor.  Some days he could make Yoda curse.  Then other days you just look at him and wonder.  


	10. Entry 10

Entry 10 

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Anakin returned from Naboo today.  He seems to be in rather good spirits, almost too good of spirits if you ask me. Tradition dictates to ignore my opinion, which is what everyone seems to be doing.   I still smell a dead mott. For someone who had to end a relationship that isn't allowed, he seems to be dealing just a little too well, for the Anakin I know.  It's a little disconcerting to have someone who normally gets a thrill out of annoying you, suddenly be in a good mood.  It totally messes up one's view of the universe.  I debated on asking him why, but then I changed my mind.  There are just some things one is better off not knowing about. And my intuition tells me the answer to that question would tell me more about Anakin than I really need or want to know.  That is one sleeping mastiff I don't wish to wake up. 

Once he returned we immediately got back to retraining his mechanical arm for lightsaber fighting.  He is doing rather well, but nowhere near as well as before. I was actually able to best him several times, at least in the beginning.  Almost every match would end Obi one, Anakin none.  Then he started training almost constantly, now I can barely keep up with him. The last time we got so into it, he almost cut me in half. 

Fortunately he missed but in avoiding his blade, I stumbled backwards and somehow managed to get lambasted in to a new level of Jedi awareness. To be more precise my mind took a trip without the aid of my body.  The last thing I remember was my Jedi profanity inhibitor completely crumbling followed by strange images.  This was worse than that brownie incident in the library.  I don't remember it all, but I was surrounded by this weird blue color, while strange guy with a dark bushy beard and a plaid shirt shouting at me to do it again only faster and more intense. I have no idea what he was talking about, and to be perfectly honest I'm not sure if I want to know. It definitely made me want a drink, and a brownie.  

I also received word from The Council that Anakin and I will be shipped out to aid in the Clone Wars.  This could prove to be a most enlightening experience.  A handful of surviving Jedi, and a large group of clones vs. a droid army. Why does that not sound as good as it should?  It's a good thing they have color-coded the clones, so we have some way to tell them apart. But giving them names might be an even better idea, what are we supposed to call them "hey you".  I can see it now. I call Commander and 12 people turn around.  

I have a strange feeling that things have just begun to get interesting. 


	11. Entry 11

Entry 11 

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It's been an interesting day.  Mace was right, purple lightsabers really do show up best from a long distance, especially in a large crowd.  We discovered that when we got separated in a skirmish near the Outer Rim.  Hundreds of battle droids, an equal number of clones, several dozen assorted Jedi, and Anakin and I coming in on a low flying transport. We were ten meters up and twenty meters out, and we could still see Mace ripping thru the crowd like a rancor at a tea party. 

This constant fighting is starting to get old.  At least the Jedi don't march like the clones do. For some reason it really gets to me when I see the clones marching, every time they march by me, I start to get this strange, yet annoyingly catchy whistling tune stuck in my head.  I have no idea where it comes from, but it is maddening and I am really tiring of it.  Once I fell asleep with that tune in my head and I started to have weird dreams about building a bridge just so we could blow it up.  Its madness I tell you, madness madness madness. 

Anakin has also taken a much greater interest in politics all of a sudden.  He never cared about politics before, except to oppose any position I might have on any given issue.  Now all of a sudden he is following the goings on of The Senate, and one Senator in particular, like it was his life's work.  If he thinks I don't know what he is really interested in then I have greatly underestimated his estimation of my intelligence. In order to see how those to feel about each other, one only need posses the gift of sight.  Anytime some one mentions her name he gets a look that reminds me of a Wookie at an all you can eat buffet. 

I also had a recent run in with Buckethead Junior.  The kid has started dressing like his blueprint.  I knew that kid would start to become trouble.  He's a long way from being another Jango, but he is definitely on the path.  I was able to get rid of him however, thanks once again to those poorly designed Mandalorian Rocket packs. 

All I had to do was hit it, with a nearby arm that used to belong to a battle droid and the poor kid went flying off to unknown places.   Little Buckethead was so proud of them too. Maybe someday they won't be such a liability. 

I also need to figure out whose idea of a joke it was to give me an inflatable handmaiden as a birthday gift.  Anakin thought it was the funniest thing he had ever seen, but I really didn't appreciate it.  I eat one brownie at one Senatorial party and the next thing I know everybody and their Uncle George is making jokes about me having a thing with one of the handmaidens.  How many times do I have to say, I am not interested in that sort of thing.  Okay so a little fantasy never hurt anyone., but I am a Jedi and that just isn't allowed.  No matter how much some Padawans wish it were otherwise.  On the other hand, things could have been much worse.  At least I didn't hit the brownies until after the Gungans left. 


	12. Entry 12

Entry 12 

I have finally decided to give up the brownies for good.  After several weeks of intense fighting, I finally had a couple days of R&R.  It was great.  I was even free of Anakin.  Normally that would be a good thing, but in this case I think it backfired on me.  Since I was free, I decided to relax a little.  Somebody should have warned me that Corellian ale and brownies do not mix well at all.  It was a fun experience at the time, but looking back it is one I do not care to ever repeat.  

I do not remember everything that happened that night, but when I returned to the club the next day, I was promptly asked by the owner to please leave and never return.  That night I had the most disturbing dreams I have ever had the displeasure of not enjoying.  They all seem to blend now as I look back, but the part that sticks out the most is that I seemed to be paired at some point with every female in the galaxy and to my horror a few men as well. 

  One dream had Master Qui-Gon and I in a most non-traditional relationship and just when I thought it could not get any worse it did.  First, I was in a ménage a trois with Anakin and the Senator!  If Anakin ever got wind of that, I would never live it down.  Then there was the worst one of all, the one I would most like to forget.  I cannot believe my sub conscious ever came up with this one, but after having an affair with every handmaiden the Senator ever had, things suddenly dissolved and I found myself in the most bizarre love triangle any brain could ever conceive of.  I still shudder at the thought.  I mean its one thing when they are at least living beings, but R2 and C-3P0?  I have always had an open mind, but I think my brain fell out the night I had that dream.  The Force as my witness I will never eat brownies again, what next?  Mace and me?  Yoda and me?  There are some subjects even I do not want to contemplate.

 While I am on the subject of romance, it appears that Anakin needs a repeat performance of the "Possessive attachments are forbidden for a Jedi" lecture.  This will only be my 501rst attempt.  His ears hear my words, but his brains refuse to register them.  

 He thinks that I don't know, but I am positive he and the Senator are sending secret messages back and forth.  I have never intercepted any of them, but I'd be willing to place a bet they aren't discussing politics or the weather.  I almost walked in once when he was recording a message to her, but given the nature of the small part of the message I did manage to overhear, modesty dictated that knocking would be most prudent.  Of course when I did enter there was no sign that he had been doing anything out of the ordinary, except that he was breathing a little too hard for the workout he was supposed to be doing.

If he doesn't start taking the hints soon, I may have to come right out and say what I know.  Ultimatum time is soon coming, and he is going to have to choose. It's the Jedi or the Senator.  I didn't make the rules, I'm just the mean evil Master who actually thinks the rules should apply to everyone, instead of just those who feel like following them.  

I don't want to go to The Council on this (Since they will probably ignore me anyway), but if Anakin doesn't start seeing the light soon he may leave me no choice.  I will give him sometime first though.  I don't know what those two are thinking.  They both know the rules.  Its not like they can get married and settle down happily ever after somewhere with two kids and a shuttle in the backyard.  

Even if they could settle down and have kids.  Is the galaxy ready for more Skywalkers?  I don't think the galaxy is big enough for one Skywalker let alone any little Skywalkers.  Knowing how Anakin and the Senator both prefer to do things the hard way, they'd probably have twins.  The thought of that is enough to make me want another brownie.  

****


	13. Entry 13

Entry 13 

I am becoming even more concerned than usual about Anakin's behavior as of late.  He has always been a very moody person at times, but lately he has been a human pendulum.  He swings from happy to dark and back again with precision regularity.  And if that were not bad enough, he has developed an extreme fondness for the color black on top of it all.  When he gets into one of his darker brooding moods, and he has on the black cape, the whole effect is at least seven kinds of creepy and two kinds of weird.  It's like living with a Sith Lord in training. 

I can understand some of his dark mood, as he did manage to get himself wounded again.  This time it was a skirmish with a battalion of battle droids.  He was one of the few survivors, and at this rate soon there will not be any Jedi left in the galaxy. 

I was lucky enough to get away unharmed, but Anakin was not so fortunate.  In addition to the metal hand from the Battle of Geonosis, he also has replacement kneecaps, durasteel ribs, and a mechanical elbow.  If it ever rains, he is in danger of rusting.  As it stands right now, he is the first and only bionic Jedi in the galaxy.  

I tried to cheer him up by joking about the fact that he needs to oil his joints to keep from squeaking, but I think they amputated his funny bone when they fixed his elbow.  The Senator will be thrilled to know that none of her favorite parts were undamaged and should still be in working order. 

While I am on the subject of the Senator, last night Anakin and I had another one of our infamous "She's just a friend Master. I swear, honest." discussions.  He must really think I am gullible, if he thinks I am buying that one.  Next, he will try to sell me a moon and tell me it is really a space station.  I may be celibate, but I am not stupid.  I saw how they acted in the medic ward when they though nobody was watching.  If that is how she greets people who are " just good friends and that is all, I swear," then Naboo must be the most liberal society in the galaxy. 

There are only two times I feel stress anymore, day and night.  I have tried to talk to Anakin several times, and every time it is like trying to teach a bantha to dance.  He acts like he is listening, and maybe part of him does want to listen, but most of what I say seems to go in one ear and out the other while totally bypassing his brain.  Yet, whenever Chancellor Palpatine speaks he listens like it was the most important and best-kept information ever spoken.  It doesn't seem to matter if the Chancellor is making one of his long-winded speeches that never actually say anything or if it is an occasion when he can speak to Anakin in person.  Whenever Anakin does get the chance to talk with him, he gets all lit up like he is about to find out the secrets of life.  I am deeply suspicious that there is something going on here, something more than is obvious at first glance.  I should talk to Anakin about it, but he will probably just give me that look that says his ears are hearing but his brain isn't filing.   

I tried voicing my concerns to the Council, again, but I got the usual speech about how he has to make his own choices and we have to trust in him to do the right thing.  I understand their point, but I also have an uneasy feeling that in Anakin's case a failure to act could come back to haunt us. I wish for once they would listen to me.  Saying "I told you so" is much more satisfying when the people you proved wrong are still there to hear it. 


	14. Entry 14

Entry 14 

Returned from yet another meeting with the Council.  I patiently explained my concerns about Anakin's increasingly dark behavior and his clearly, to me at least, romantic involvement with the Senator.  They heard me out, thought about my words, and were very prompt in doing absolutely nothing about the whole situation.  I take that back, as it is not completely true.  They did agree with me, that there are things which definitely need to be looked into.  Fortunately, I am in top physical shape, or the heart attack might have proven fatal.  It remains to be seen however if anything will actually be done, or if they are just trying to humor me. 

 Every time I have an audience with Master Yoda, I get more unnerved.  I have the distinct impression that he is not telling me everything he should as far as what he knows about Anakin and the prophecy of the Chosen One.  Once I could have sworn he was giving me a look that almost seemed say, " Poor Obi-Wan.  He has no idea what he is in for."  It was very strange to say the least.   

The fact that I was so unnerved must have been why I made the mistake of letting Anakin cook dinner last night.  Grilled fillet of Sarlacc may be a delicacy on Tatooine but it will never catch on in the rest of the galaxy.  It tasted okay at first, but it came back to haunt me several hours later.  It is worse than one of Dex's green plate specials.  I feel like there are motts and nexus fighting it out in what used to be my stomach.  I woke up this morning greener than Master Yoda.  Even before I got sick, that grilled Sarlacc left a very bad taste in my mouth, one I do not wish to ever experience again.  From this point on, Anakin is barred from making anymore Tatooine inspired meals.  If that is what they eat on Tatooine, I am very glad I do not live there.  I would not be able to last a day on food like that much less live on it for any significant period of time. 

It appears I picked a very bad time to give up brownies.  Between the Clone Wars, the Jedi Council, Anakin, and the not so surprising return of Count Dooku, I find myself craving them more and more.  However, I think I may actually be going through a withdrawal of sorts.  When Anakin and I had a run in with Dooku, who naturally managed to escape, I had another one of those weird otherworldly experiences.  Here we were battling it out with Dooku and when it almost looked like we were going to solve our little problem, I was momentarily distracted.  That was all Dooku needed to get one up on me, and land his lightsaber a little too close for my comfort.  In an attempt to get out of the way, and defend myself, I must have made a wrong move somewhere.  One minute I am standing on a landing platform going Jedi to Sith with Count Dooku and the next I find myself in a very strange and bizarre place where I am wearing what appeared to be a kilt of some sort.  The only other thing I remember is somebody playing a very obnoxious musical instrument the sound of which reminded me of somebody strangling a tauntaun.  But before I could orient myself, and figure out what was happening I was back again. 

 I do not know what I missed while I was gone but Anakin managed to really do a number on Dooku.  I have not seen a mess like that since I my first encounter with a Sith Lord.  Only Dooku did not have a split personality like the great horned beast I was up against, he was totally disarmed.  There was Dooku everywhere, and Anakin in the middle of the whole situation looking like a cross between a little lost bantha cub in search of its mother, and a charging reek bent on destruction.  When the dark black clothes he likes to wear, and the heavy exhausted breathing combined, it turned my once annoying but lovable apprentice in to a terrifying vision of nightmarish proportions.

I am seriously considering taking up brownies again.  I have meditated and thought about the current situation extensively.  I have the uneasy feeling that my future is about to be a little more interesting than I am prepared to deal with.  I seem to be the only one who sees it that way, but then I am used to that. It has always been that way, why would the galaxy want to change now?


End file.
